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Tons of women do
this one thing.
And it must leave them feeling awful...
I wonder if you do it too?
I'm talking about women who hide their
true feelings from a man and fear sharing their desire for
a closer relationship and for love.
Ever felt this way?
It's happens when you won't communicate
directly with a man about your feelings because you think
you'll “scare him away”.
Unfortunately, you're right... it could
scare him away.
The way you talk to a man about a relationship
turns out to be THE BIGGEST MISTAKE ANY WOMAN CAN MAKE WITH
A MAN.
I'll come back to this giant mistake
in just a quick second...
First, I'd like to talk about what I've
seen in the dating world as a guy and share a FASCINATING
story with you.
I've had women communicate their feelings
with me in all sorts of different ways from joy to anger
to frustration, and I know what each one does to a man.
(and in a larger context, what communicating this way does
to any person in general - man or woman)
There's a pattern to the dating experiences
that I'd like to share.
THE STORY GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS...
(let's pretend I'm the man in this story and you're the
woman)
You and I meet. We both like each other.
(lucky me!)
Feelings develop for us both on several
levels. (physically, emotionally, socially)
You try to be “patient” and
not express too many feelings and what you want to play
it cool.
We have a great “connection”,
but we never talk about what we want in our future around
dating, a relationship or marriage.
Time goes by and things are great for
us.
Eventually, you begin to see that you're
not getting what you want from me in the relationship.
You want more, but you're scared of talking
to me about it because you don't know where I'm at.
You're scared because I've talked to
you about all the bad experiences I've had with women in
the past.
And sometimes I even make negative remarks
about women and their emotions.
You don't want to ruin the good things
we have going and rock the boat, but in the back of your
mind you know that you'll want to deal with the negative
emotions that are slowly but surely building in your mind.
Then as I start to see us growing closer,
I begin to use my past issues to tell you that I'm not looking
for much more than what we have right now.
So you don't say anything to me directly
to communicate what's going on for you and your feelings.
And of course, being a normal guy, I
don't say anything either. (Of course, I'm a man!)
You become frustrated and confused that
I'm not acting how I used to act.
Things begin to change with the way I
treat you.
I don't pay as much attention to you
anymore.
I don't surprise you or bring you flowers
anymore.
I'm tired everyday after work and just
want to watch tv when I get home.
I call you less frequently.
I don't initiate sex as much anymore.
You even consider that I could be seeing
someone else.
And after a few months - I've become
distant.
So what happens next?
You decide you're not happy with where
things are and it's time to have a talk about where we're
at.
But you're SCARED of expressing your
feelings about what you want, so you let things build up
inside you until you begin to let your frustrations with
me show.
And to wrap the story up...
You make THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN
MAKE WITH A MAN...
You start a conversation about the relationship
and then you “let me have it”!
(you get upset and lose your cool with me)
All your desires, fears, frustrations
and dreams that you've been holding inside away from me
all pour out in one big emotional explosion...
This “Big Mistake” can take
the form of arguing and yelling, but not exclusively.
Sometimes it's just extreme intensity,
perhaps tears.
It might include:
- Complaining about the current state
of the relationship
- Talking about the things he does wrong
with you
- Showing your frustrations about what
you feel is missing
- Becoming upset that he doesn't feel
how you'd like him to feel
- Bringing up past issues, arguments
or disappointments
But it always creates a lot of emotional
tension and “drama”. Especially in the guys
mind.
This is THE LAST THING you want to do
with a man if you want to get some positive result with
him.
That tension that's created stays with
him, and he NEVER forgets it.
In his mind, he now thinks of you as
“hysterical” and full of issues. His mind defines
you by what he saw in your behavior, and it scares him.
Yep, I know it's not fair, but it's the
man's weird and twisted reality...
I've heard hundreds, maybe thousands,
of men talk about this exact perception of a woman and how
they fear being with a woman who they think will make this
giant mistake.
Yeah, I know... it's inmature, selfish
and not fair of the man, but it's the reality of the situation
that lots of women end up in with men.
So how do you avoid this....? I'll
tell you how in THREE EASY STEPS.
Step 1) You Need To Understand What's Going On Inside
The Mind Of Your Man...
Let me tell it to you straight, as a
man...
Women secretly believe that their connection
with a man will “naturally” turn into something
deeper without any communication taking place.
Kind of like it's the unspoken truth
about what's
going on.
Honestly... this isn't how it works for
us men.
If you're “assuming” you
have a relationship, and that he feels like you do, you're
wrong.
Men don't assume that a connection, being
together, spending quality time and all the rest means they're
in a committed relationship.
Some men do, but not most.
For a man to know he's in a committed
relationship, and understand the things YOU want in that
relationship, YOU have to communicate with him in CLEAR
AND DIRECT terms.
Yeah, that's right... You have to put
yourself out there and be vulnerable.
Scary!
But I hear lots of women think that other
women are just lucky to have found such a great guy.
And while there are some men who are
more equipped and ready for a healthy situation with a woman,
it's NOT luck that women in great relationships have found
a way to communicate with their guy.
That's right, they've taken time to find
the right information and to learn to integrate a certain
way of communicating into their thinking and behavior.
It's not easy, but there's help.
Step 2) You Need To Understand What Causes You To Make
“The Big Mistake”
EVERYONE wants to have THEIR needs met
first. It's basic human nature.
But being able to delay your gratification
is an AMAZING thing to develop in your life. (in every part
of your life!)
Most people (men and women) want to talk,
talk, talk about what THEY think and what THEY want.
The root of this problem basically boils
down to needs that are unmet.
So making “The Big Mistake”
is really all about being driven by your unmet needs and
desires and solely focusing on what YOU want the relationship
to be, without honestly and critically considering the man's
perspective, his emotional state, his commuication skills
and where he's coming from at the same time.
When you do this with a man, you are
subconsciously telling him that you're more interested in
your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings
and what he wants.
And men can read and pick up on women
who do this instantly.
I see a form of this “Big Mistake”
communication all the time in business by the way.
Some business professionals are the worst
at this self-absorbed “need” oriented communication.
Like when someone calls me who wants
to get something from me or sell me something and they're
not very experienced or polished at it.
The first thing I pick up on is their
selfish agenda... and it instantly puts me on the defensive.
But if they've done their “homework”
on me and what I'm looking for, and not what THEY WANT from
me, when they talk it changes the whole situation the second
they show me they've thought about what I want.
It's very simple but extremely powerful.
So let's take this concept directly back
to communicating with men.
It might sound cliche', but you've got
to learn to listen and understand where's he's at and where's
he's coming from.
This cliche' is a around for a reason.
It works.
Patience, empathy and understanding are
the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream
about.
But you've got to be careful to not become
the woman who gives him EVERYTHING and gets walked on.
Use your common sense and intuition to
safeguard yourself - I know that your female perceptive
abilities aren't used nearly enough, so put these strong
tools to good use.
Step 3) How To Avoid Making The Big Mistake
Let me give you a vital piece of information
when dealing with men...
Men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifying
the things that are “obvious” to women in dating
and relationships.
I would know. It's taken me ten years
to begin to understand these things for myself - and I spend
a LOT of time thinking about it.
Sorry though, I'm “spoken for”...
(Oh Please, get over yourself Christian!!)
Ok, enough self-indulgent humor, back
to you.
So we know men are AWFUL at initiating
and participating in conversations about deep emotions and
relationships.
Sorry to break the bad news, but it's
almost always up to you to make this communication happen.
It's important to remember to approach
the entire conversation from the perspective of talking
about what you want AND what he wants.
If you can make a guy feel like you put
his feelings and needs a priority in this conversation,
and always consider what he wants, I promise he will LOVE
YOU for it!
There's no rule that says you can't consider
another persons opinions and feelings first in order to
get what you want.
In fact, a key goal in negotiating is
to let the other person talk first.
When you get to listen first, you ALWAYS
have the advantage. You know exactly what the other person
wants... and knowledge is influence and power.
I'm not saying you need to take on hard-core
negotiating here with a man, but some of the same rules
and principles about people and psychology apply.
When you talk to a man from a positive
place of listening first, he will be 10,000 times more receptive
to what you have to say and what you want once you bring
it up than if you approach him from a place of feeling hurt,
communicate need and projecting fear and anxiety.
Try this instead.
Ask a positive question or give a positive
statement such as, “Honey, I was thinking today that
I was happy to be with you.”
It might sound submissive, corny or difficult
to say to someone you're having a tough time with, but think
about it...
If you're going through all the trouble
to worry so much about the future with this person, this
is already what you're thinking.
You might want to check out what could
be the world's best collection of ideas, strategies, insights
and research on the subject of how to avoid the Big Mistakes,
and other big mistakes in my ebook, “Catch Him And
Keep Him”.
It's full off specific ways to communicate
with a man that will instantly amplify the attraction he
feels for you and help move things quickly and smoothly
from “casual” to “committed” in
no time flat.
I've spent the better part of the last
year making sure my ebook will give you REAL WORLD ANSWERS
and solutions to the things you're dealing with when it
comes to men.
Go check it out right now:
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
©Copyright 2008,
Catch Him Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright materials used by permission.
“Catch Him And Keep Him” and “Christian
Carter”
are trademarks of Catch Him Inc.
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