What is Codependence?

Codependence, as the term is used today, has various meanings. In general, it refers to how some past events starting in our childhood "unknowingly" affect some of our attitudes, behaviors and feelings in the present, often with destructive consequences. We are not usually aware of it when it happens; however, there are signs.

One key sign, perhaps vague, is that our attitudes or behaviors or feelings are somehow out of proportion to what is happening in our lives in the present. We may feel we are "less than," inherently flawed or shameful. We may feel sad or angry or scared or just plain lonely most of the time. We may try to escape with alcohol, drugs, or various other addictive or compulsive behaviors. Even if we succeed in changing these behaviors, we may still feel "not quite right."

The good news is that we can learn how to recognize and deal with our unresolved past so it no longer distorts the present. It becomes a life process, rather than a solution, cure or event.

Pleasing Behaviors

I compromise my own values and integrity in order to be accepted by others.
I feel guilty when I say "no."
Often I have sex when I don't really want to.
I volunteer to do things I really don't want to do.
I spend a lot of time pretending things are "fine."
I believe that doing things to care for or please myself is selfish.
I put other people's needs before my own.
I usually do what my friends/partner want, rather than what I want to do.
I rarely let people know when I'm angry.
I won't say how I really feel, because I'm concerned about how others may react.

Signs of Codependence

Codependence is most often evident in our relationships with people who are important in our lives, be it at work, in our family, with friends, or with those in authority. How we behave and feel in these settings may indicate if we have a problem.

The following statements are designed to acquaint you with some of the common signs of codependence. If you identify with some of these specific or the more general signs mentioned in the prior section, you may wish to investigate further. Please talk to a mental health professional or contact your local chapter of Co-Dependents Anonymous.

Relationship Issues

Codependence often turns up in our relationships. Following are additional signs which may help you to see if you or someone in your life needs to find out more about codependence.

I believe in love at first sight.
I find people that are nice to me seem boring.
I believe that if I can get my partner to change, my problems would be solved.
I can't feel good about myself when my relationship isn't going well.
I accept sex when I really want love.
I feel that I'm incomplete when I'm not in a relationship.
I believe that other people can make me feel angry, happy, sad, etc.
I want to have good relationships, but they never seem to work out.
I have trouble being alone without keeping busy.
I feel responsible for other people's feelings.
I have trouble getting close to or trusting people.
I often feel anger that is out of proportion to what is ha

The above information is from the National Council on Codependence, Inc

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